Archive for » 2011 «

Playing Catchup

I have an actual post in mind for later, and a secondary one for after that (I’m cryptic because they’re not that interesting) but in the mean time, here’s a few things I’ve been meaning to mention.

Look Who’s Come Crawling Back
Gnome Who Sold the World
This is the Gnome Who Sold the World, a Gnome I decorated and released for the 2010/2011 Moving Cache Race. He was hidden by the Living and Learning Centre in Panton Hill, but after 2 “Did Not Find” notes, I went to check on him and he was gone. I assumed, as he was near some houses, that he’d been muggled (a term used by us trendy and elite geocachers when a non-geocacher has tampered with or removed a cache).

I archived the listing and thought no more about it, but a couple of weeks ago my mother came home with this gnome. She’d found him in the Living and Learning Centre garden, so we guess someone found him out in the wild and popped him in the garden.

He’s a bit faded but none the worse for having been missing so long, and is in retirement in our own garden.

 

Dicey is growing up

By sheer fluke I managed to catch Dicey in the act of moulting – this is the process by which spiders grow as their skin doesn’t stretch as they get bigger. I missed the very start of the process, but managed to video most of it. Over all it took about 45 minutes from the time I spotted Dicey hanging upside to the time he walked away from the old skin. Yep, He. Now that he’s more mature, I can see he’s not at all a she. Oops.

A new spiny in the house

I’d noticed Dicey’s tank wasn’t really tall enough, so I wandered into the new pet shop near me to see what they had in taller tanks. Not much for under $150 sadly, but what they did have was Spiny Leaf Insects. I first owned spinies in 2008 or so, purchasing two ladies who gave me much joy. This one came home with me and has already asserted her personality, so yup, her name is Diva (and yes, she’s a she, of this I am sure for once!)

So that’s a quick catch up on stuff I meant to mention. If I don’t post anything else within a week, shout at me.

Dicey

When I was a wee small lass, I was incredibly scared of spiders. To the point of screaming, gibbering and leaving the room with all haste. I’m not entirely sure when I started to get over that, it was before 2000 as I became chief spider catcher and relocator at the library because I never felt it was fair to squash a thing just for being a spider.

I’ve been surrounded by huntsman my entire life (much to the delight of my family I’m sure when I was at the screaming and gibbering stage). I was watching a huntsman eat a moth the other week when it suddenly occurred to me that in 33 years of spider co-habitation I’d never seen a huntsman actually attack. I’d seen them laying in wait, and I’d seen them eating their prey but I’d never seen one actually pounce.

Clearly the only option (if you’re me) is to obtain a spider as a pet in order to watch and learn. Which is exactly what I did.

This is Dicey, who is a female (I think, judging by her pedipalps) Jungle Huntsman or Heteropoda jugulans native to the tropical areas of Australia. I bought her mail order (you really can get anything on the internet). She arrived in her postal box on Thursday and has since then been perched in her tank, feasting on all sorts of delicious insects. She’s only a young un and will grow about 50% bigger than she is now, and I think her colour will change, but I’m not 100% sure on that. I look forward to her first moult though :D

I now know why I’ve never seen a huntsman catch its dinner – they are fast. This morning I dropped some breakfast in for her (a slater beetle) and in the time it took me to close the lid of the tank she had it. I’ll video this one day, just so you can get a wee bit freaked out. I know spiders aren’t every ones cup of tea. You may now spend a moment being thankful I didn’t share the maggot infested blowfly meal photos. You’re welcome.

I bought her from Minibeast Wildlife, who can ship Australia Wide except for WA where insect ownership is illegal. I can’t recommend them highly enough – very helpful and they only ship on Tuesdays to make sure the lovely creatures they sell aren’t stuck in transit over the weekend.

Justice League Smackdown

I am so trying to get back into doing this blogging thing. I suspect having Plurk where I share every little thought, itch and cup of coffee with my adoring public (all 22 of them, 4 of whom no longer use the service anyway) means I am less inclined to sit down and blather aimlessly, which is a shame because I love a good blather.

Anyoldhow, here is the card which graced my letter box today:
This came to me from a 7 year old lass in the US named Madeline who loves dogs. It’s funny, but it’s almost as if I am nerding up by osmosis. This is the second card I have that would not be out of place being sent to my better half (although this one lacks Batman, in his professional opinion).

I’ve also ordered a book on mail art, so hopefully I will have some nifty mailable stuff to show you at some point. If not, well. You’ll just have to get on with your life without it. I’m so sorry.

Review: Of Dinosaurs and Queens

The Queen, Beatrix Potter and Dinosaurs postcard books.The three newest postcard books hitting my stash.

What it is: “The Queen Art and Image”
What you get: 20 postcards from the National Portrait Gallery (UK) collection.
Samples from the Queen Art and ImageFrom photographs of Queen Elizabeth as a young new ruler, to a mother, to the long serving monarch to art from the (I think) annual official portrait, this collection gathers together some of the finest (and .. less fine) portraits.
Some of the more interesting works include a picture of the Queen made from tiny pictures of Princess Diana, and a very modern art portrait. There’s also wonderfully quirky news snaps of Her Majesty being more herself.
Quality: Excellent. The colours are rich and bold, the cards are a good weight and have a matt back for easy writing on. Each card contains full information about the work. They are “bound” to a taped spine, and easy to separate without leaving residue.
Would I buy again? When these are all sent out, I will buy another copy.
You’d be surprised at the number of people who want Royal cards, which is why I bought these. They are great looking, handle well and printed sharply.
Recommended!

And of Dinosaurs:
What it is: Dinosaurs by Dover Publications.
What you get: 12 cards, each featuring a painting of a different dinosaur.

The cards feature slightly dated looking paintings of Dinosaurs – the sorts of illustrations that were used a lot in non fiction books in the 1980s. They might well be, as Dover uses archive images to print their postcard packs.
Quality: Good, but not great. The printing is fine, although the paintings look a little bit muddy (I suspect that’s the paintings themselves not the prints though). The weight of the cards is light, they are more a heavy paper than a light card making them very flimsy feeling.
Would I buy again: Nope. There’s more to be said about these Dover cards, which I will finish saying below because -

- Now we have bunnies.
What it is: Beatrix Potter by Dover Publications
What you get: 12 cards featuring images from the Beatrix Potter books.
The photograph isn’t really representative of the cards as it’s blurred and since it’s 11:30pm I can’t be bothered taking a new one. Lazy! Featuring the rabbits, pigs and other creatures Potter made famous, these cards fall just short. Most of them have excessive white space due to the shape of the image chosen, and the paintings look a bit washed out compared to the ones in the books.
Quality: See notes for Dinosaurs above.
Would I buy again: Nope.

Some general notes about the Dover postcard booklets.
Ugh, getting these loose from the pack is tricky work, they are well and truly glued in. Not only to the spine, but also to each other.  No matter how careful and gentle you are when you separate them, they will show damage to both the front and back. This can be trimmed off with a paper cutter (and will be as I’ll use them for postcrossing and people tend to prefer well presented cards) but really with the many binding options for postcard books, trimming isn’t something that should be needed.
So you do end up with torn backs and images torn off the front on the spine side, which is really disappointing and not a problem I’ve ever had with postcard books before. I think from now on I’ll avoid the Dover books, regardless of popularity of the subject.

The September Thing

September 12th, 2001. I woke up for work and flicked on the TV for the weather report, which I did every morning. Instead of the weather, I saw smoky grey pictures of rubble, people covered in dust, firemen working, police working, reporters standing wide eyed and shocked as they reported.

I had no idea what was going on, I missed the news announcement with the details, all I knew was somewhere something huge and devastating had happened.

My car didn’t have a radio, so I drove on to work wondering, and grabbed the papers when I walked in. The attacks had started at about 11pm Melbourne time, so the papers had some rough coverage and photos. New York had been hit.

I won’t go into all the rest of it, it’s all pretty well known. Hell if you’re hazy on the details today just pick up a paper (or, okay, use the internet). It’s 10 years since the attacks, and we must never ever ever forget. Apparently.

September 11th, 2002 as I drove to work one of the local churches was flying three US flags, with another larger one hanging over the entrance. I nearly drove off the road. I swore creatively, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I shouldn’t have been so amazed though, for the entire preceding year people had been walking around with US flags worn as bandanas or sewn on the backs of jackets for reasons I didn’t – and don’t – fully understand.

Australians as a rule don’t tend to go into the annual memorial chest beating pain can you believe it’s been X years. Attempts were made on the anniversary of Black Saturday, and attempts will probably be made on the anniversaries of the flooding that took so many lives. We just can’t seem to get into it. Though our news people are certainly trying, with mournful impassioned voice overs on the news reports designed to emulate the US style of reporting.

Which is not to say we don’t care. Any life lost is a sadness, a heartbreak for the family and friends and community.

And for all the unbreakable “respect” and “love” and “grief” for those who died that day, there’s little mention of the fact their deaths were used to fuel a war that was essentially unrelated to terrorism on any level.

In the 10 years since 9/11, more than 20,000 civilians in Afghanistan have been killed. That doesn’t include those who were injured, disabled from their wounds, orphaned children. All in the name of revenge. We’re supposed to cheer every bomb strike, every death, every “win” because dammit this is a war on terror and these people deserve to die.

Who will remember them other than family and friends? Will there be a national memorial? A minute of silence to think about their lives cut short?

Is it purely because the attacks were on the US that the world is expected to mourn and grieve and vow revenge? I wondered then and I wonder now if the US would have carried 24/7 coverage for a month if the attack had been on Sydney, or Rome, or London. Would the world be printing memorial edition newspapers today? Would documentaries be screening internationally?

It is not at all my intention to dismiss or belittle the genuine suffering of those who lost loved ones, or who witnessed things no one should ever have to witness. I suspect today is a terribly hard date to get through for those people, and I wish them all the very best in the world.

It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I cannot fathom maintaining the rage for 10 years, for being happy to hear of children dying in a far off land because they are part of the “terrorism threat”. I can’t fathom never letting go, to the expense of all else. I can’t understand it, and I don’t want to understand it.

I am not lighting candles today, or observing a minute’s silence. I didn’t turn my headlights on in the couple of years after the attacks when everyone was “showing solidarity” (don’t ask, I never did figure out the headlights thing). I am most certainly not flying the US flag – I don’t even own one. I don’t own an Aussie flag for that matter.

As tragic and heartbreaking as the events of 9/11 were, it is time to let them go. Not to forget, but to allow the families and friends of those who died, and those who lived in NY at the time, their ownership of the grief that they should no longer have to share with the world.

One concept I am seriously having trouble with, which is popping up all over the place is “No other Western Nation lost so many people in a single day”. Maybe not, but where is the compassion for places that don’t happen to be western who lost people in Earthquakes, Tsunamis, storms, floods? Japan lost 20,000 people. Haiti lost 316,000. There’s no one to blame for natural disasters, which makes it very hard to use them to fuel hate and fear and wage a war.

That’s the difference.

Category: Opinion  Tags: ,  One Comment

Muslim Terror

Australia is having census night on the 9th of August. It’s a standard thing, and the usual census sort of counting and data collection. I hadn’t really thought too much about it until this message started appearing on my facebook from “well meaning” “friends”:

AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
DO NOT LEAVE THE “RELIGION” SECTION BLANK. BE SURE TO AT LEAST TICK CHRISTIAN (OR YOUR OWN FAITH).
1,000,000 MUSLIMS WILL TICK THEIR BOX.
10,000,000 AUSTRALIANS WILL LEAVE IT BLANK THEN WONDER WHY CHRISTMAS CAROLS ARE BEING BANNED IN SCHOOLS!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
IT’S NOT ABOUT RELIGION, IT’S ABOUT KEEPING OUR WAY OF LIFE .

Some of them also mention the banning – omg – of Easter Bonnet parades in schools. Oh the humanity. I quite like that whoever came up with this pile of shit is apparently psychic. How exactly do they know how many people will tick their boxes? It’s all very interesting.

This, my friends, is nothing more than a pathetic fear campaign. “It’s not about religion” screams the all caps copy paste, “It’s about keeping our way of life!”. Fine and dandy, but I don’t see anything about Jewish people ticking their box, they also don’t generally celebrate Christmas.

I don’t have any religion, but I’m not about to worry about what other people say on their census forms. Yes, it may well be that communities that were not previously identified as Muslim now appear and that will allow planning to happen to build a mosque or two. Just as Christians have a right to build churches all over the place, so Muslims and any other religion has a right to have their own places of worship.

No, Christmas carols and plays and endless freaking tinsel in Target when you just popped in to buy a pair of shoes will not stop, regardless of how many non Christians tick their boxes on the census forms. What might happen is a wider understanding and knowledge of other important festivals and celebrations for other religions, which would not end the world.

When the first instance of this copy paste hate campaign appeared on my facebook, I was shocked and angered. Now I’m mostly just saddened. Australia has had many of these campaigns over the years. Any time a new culture has arrived the newspapers have been full of angry white people complaining about all the bloody Chinese/Italians/Greek/Vietnamese people “flooding” the cities.

These days we happily tuck into a bowl of pasta or a plate of stir fry while we sip our espressos and think nothing of it, but it seems we haven’t moved beyond a xenophobic fear of the different.

Australia is multicultural and multifaith. I don’t think we realise the importance of that second one. Even as an atheist I can appreciate the importance of being able to worship – freely – in your own religion. In too many places around the world it’s illegal to do so, and faith has to be hidden away.

“Our Way of Life” here in Australia is a blessed one, a laid back one and one that should and can embrace all kinds of people from all kinds of places and faiths.

Imagine how it must feel to be so hated for nothing more than your faith. To have your entire personality discounted because you’re one religion not another. I can’t believe this even happens in this country, but it does and it’s heartbreaking. And yet we claim to be a forward thinking nation.

So come August 9th, I will be ticking the “No Religion” box on the forms, but not because I want Christmas Banned, just because it’s true.

In which our heroine sets a routine

Maybe. So there’s things I do do which to me are quite interesting and might bore you senseless, in which case go and start your own blog and be interesting over there instead.
One of those things is Postcrossing, which involves sending postcards to random people you don’t know, and then getting cards back from other random people you also don’t know. Since I get quite a few postcards, I should pop them up here because then I will have more posts, and eventually be internet famous (and therefore rich). So let’s see what came in the mail today. (Or this week actually, I was away in Sydney. Also I am using a lot of brackets these days).

This windmill comes from Russia, it’s from the Museum of Wooden Art in Veliky Nougorod. It’s a great photo, I love the composition.

From Arkansas (which as a kid I pronounced Ah-can-zas because I was not gifted) comes this card of the capital, Little Rock. This card apparently made it all the way over the pond without any postage – there’s no stamp and no patch where a stamp would have been. Mysterious! Or prepaid. I like Mysterious!

Last but not least, from Germany is this card of Xanten. It carries the tagline “Urlaub am Niederrhein” which translates to “Holiday on the Lower Rhine”. Thanks, don’t mind if I do!

So that, my little froglets, is my incoming mail for today. I will post again when more cards drop into my PO Box. In the meantime, I’m also blogging for my employer at HeavenAddress, which you can read right here.

How to make a Patchwork Planet

earth1

I made this patchwork earth as an entry in the Craftster Craft Challenge for May and as it’s turned out to be a little bit popular and there’s been requests for a tute, I am now tuting. Well, look. I’m not really a tute writer, so let’s call this a Guide. This is how I did it, basically, you may have faster, better or more fun ways to do it in which case go right ahead. As in anything I give a guide for, play explore and embellish to make it all yours.

12 Gore Patchwork Planet

You will need:
Selection of fabrics in blue (quite a lot), Green (a bit less) and white (just a tad. I actually used pale prints with wrong side out, just for more interest than plain white). Also browns if you want to add deserts.
A rotary cutter will make all of this so much easier.
Cutting mat (unless you’re using scissors)
Fabric scissors (even if you’re using a rotary cutter)
Ruler or other guide the size of your squares.
Graph paper
The map below, or another 12 gore map if you prefer.
Sewing machine, or hand sewing supplies and a lot more patience than me.
A ton of pins.
Iron, ironing board.
Stuffing of your choice, or a ball if you want to do that and can do all the maths. I can’t help you with the maths.

Step One

Click that image to open up the map. Grab your graph paper and play around with the print size of the image to get it easily lined up. It’s much easier to have your gores line up exactly with the graph. I’m explaining this badly, I know, but play and you’ll see what I mean. Mine were 4 squares across.

Once you have your map sized, tape it to a window with the graph paper lined up over the top (you can use a light box if you have one, aren’t you a fancy pants?).

Ignore the graph for now and just trace over the outlines. We’ll make it more griddy in a moment. Remember to include the gore outlines as well, otherwise you’ll be in trouble later on.
You could probably save this step and print the image directly onto grid paper if you can line it up. I only had 2 sheets of grid paper, so I didn’t want to be all extravagant with it

Step Two
Break out your felt tip pens, crayons or whatever else you use to colour in with. Now we’re going to fill in the pattern with the fabric colours we’ll use.

This is the point where we’re making the pattern we’ll follow. Follow the grid lines close to your traced outlines, using an “average” technique. This means if a grid square is mostly land, you make the whole thing land. You can also use half squares for shaping, both diagonally and straight. You could probably use quarter squares if you really want to shape everything properly, but that’s very fiddly.
In mine, above, the land was coloured green, the water left white and the ice coloured pale blue. I added deserts later, that’s up to you.

Step Three
Lay your pattern to one side and get aquainted with your rotary cutter. My guide for cutting was 40mm, or 4cm, which gave me an end result of 1 inch squares (2.5 cm). It doesn’t matter what size you use, whatever you’re happy with, but remember your seam allowence and make sure all your squares are the same size.
Press your fabric before cutting, and then go for it. If you’re using scissors, it’s probably easier to rule your lines with pencil or chalk on the wrong side and then cut.

Sort your pretty little squares as you cut into colours, it’s easier later on to dig them out.
If you’re the kind of person who does counting (I’m not) you could figure out exactly how many squares you need and cut just that many. I went with the “Let’s have MANY SQUARES” technique. I’ll find something to do with the left overs later.

Step Four
Sew ALL the squares!
Grab your pattern and number your gores along the top. Promise this is easier later on, because you can number your finished gores the same way and it’s just faster than figuring out if the landmass you’re holding is Asia or Africa.
Now, I don’t have good pictures for this bit, so bear with me as I try to explain.
Working from the top of the pattern down, create the rows as they appear on the chart. So, if you’re at the top, it’s probably 4 squares of white for the first row. Pick up the first two whites, place them right sides together and sew down one side.
Pick up the next white, place it right side to the unsewn side of the previous white, sew the open edge.
As you complete each row, sew it to the previous row – right sides together. You’ll build your gore row by row.

For your half squares, just slap a couple of squares together with right sides facing and sew down the halfway line. It’s helpful to trim the excess off so you have less bulk to sew. Unfold them and sew them to the previous square as usual.

As you finish each gore, label it with a spare bit of fabric with the proper number.

When you have your 12 gores finished, have a cup of tea and iron them well so they’re flat and the seams are set down a bit.

Step Five
Measure a square on one of your finished gores to see what size it is, then enlarge one gore of your pattern on your printer if you have a copying printer or on a photocopier until the grid squares on your paper are the same size as your fabric squares. It’s a bit messy, but it works. Cut out the paper gore (you may have to tape it together first). This is now your cutting pattern.

Take your gores one at a time, lay the pattern on the wrong side and trace around it with a fabric marker, pencil or whatever.
This is not your cutting line, this is your sewing line so make sure it’s nice and clear. Cut around the gores leaving a seam allowence.

Now, shall we see if we can make your sewing machine weep?

Step Six
Pick up gore number 1 and gore number 2. Place them right side together and pin down the seam – pin a LOT. So many pins. They’re not going to line up perfectly because of the curve, so I tended to pin at each end first and then just pull and pin to make the edge match. I did this by stabbing a pin through the sewing line then checking the underside to see if the pin went through the other sewing line. I’m sure there’s better ways, but that worked for me. Just adjust as you need to until the lines match and then you can sew along the sewing line.
Do this slowly – you have a lot of little seamy bits and what not and even the sturdy old Elna from the 1960s I used had some issues. Just be slow and steady and you’ll get there.

Open out the two gores, grab gore 3 and repeat. Keep going until you have all 12 gores sewn.
As for the final seam, if you intend to put a ball or something inside, then leave it completely open. If you’re going to use stuffing, then sew from the top to about half way down, leave a gap of 6 squares, then sew to the bottom.
The point to watch when your sewing is, in fact, the points. If they don’t match perfectly there’ll be a gap in them. Mine didn’t match perfectly. If you can poke a finger through the points, just handsew a bit around the top till they’re closed up.
Turn your planet right way out.

The last thing
Now, you stuff. If you’re using a ball, just pull the earth over the ball and sew up the final gore. If you’re using stuffing, pack it as firmly as possible so the Earth takes on the proper rounded shape. Really pack it full, when you think it can’t take any more, add some more stuffing.
Sew the stuffing hole closed by hand and there you go, you have a patchwork planet of your very own!
Well done :) If you make one, please please add the link to this post in the comments, I’d love to see it.

(My spell check is broken, I think I did okay but if you see any spelling mistakes or typos then sorry about that)

Dialect Meme

A lady I do know called Moggs (not really. Or maybe really. I don’t know.) has a knack of finding interesting memes and whatnots to play with on the internets, so here’s one she found today and here’s me playing with it.
Warning, this is quite loud. oops

Listen!

I’m a 32 year old Australian lady, born and raised in Melbourne Victoria. My family background is Scottish on Dad’s side and German on Mum’s side, I think I’m about 4th generation.
The main list:
Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Plus from variations of this meme:
Pillow, Toothpick, Eggs, February, Often, Aluminium, Almond, Roof, Candidate, Jewelry, Library, Clothes, Drown, Espresso, Pasta, Miniature, Melbourne, Triathlon, Roll, comfortable, orange, both, tour, sure, Nevada, chocolate, drawer, Ramen Noodles, Caribbean, envelope, coffee, Reese’s Pieces, data, About, Morning, Stocking, Stalking, Cot, Caught, Grocery, our, vase, castle, graph

Questions to answer:
* What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
* What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
* What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
* What do you call gym shoes?
* What do you say to address a group of people?
* What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
* What do you call your grandparents?
* What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
* What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
* What is the thing you change the TV channel with?
* A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks?
* What is the place you go to “relieve” yourself?
* A metal container to carry a meal in?
* The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in?
* The piece of furniture that seats three people?
* The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof?
* The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening?
* The place in your city where city hall is?
* A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup?
* A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself?
* The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach?
* Shoes worn for sports?
* Putting a room in order?
* A flying insect that glows in the dark?
* What do you say when answering the phone?
* The children’s playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down?
* How do you eat your pizza?
* When private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff?
* The evening meal?
* The children’s game where one person has the task of catching any other whereupon they are given the same task?

Docklands Shmocklands.

I went into the city today, which is rare enough to be worth a blog post anyway. My reasons? They were my own. No, not really. I had a couple of reasons, the first was that I had been advised of a souvenir shop that had postcards at 6 for $3 (which is cheap!) and the second was a curiosity about Docklands.  Since the shop is in the shopping precinct of Docklands (or one of them anyway) I decided to kill two birds with one train ticket, and off we went (we being myself and Mama).

Docklands, or more specifically Waterfront Village or Town or whatever the hell it’s called, was on the news a while back with shop keepers lamenting the lack of Observation Wheel. The wheel was supposed to be Melbourne’s answer to the London Eye – a large, permanent ferris wheel arrangement offering views over Docklands and the city. Sadly, we had a bit of warm weather and the whole thing started to fall apart. It’s currently just some spokes, like a huge public art installation but way more expensive. Anyway, the shops in the Waterfront Villagetown were rented on the basis that 55 bajillion people would wander through every day to have a ride on the wheel and every single one of them would spend lots of lovely money at the shops on the way. The owners of the shops, especially the little independent ones, are understandably cross.

The second thing that made me curious was a bunch of voxpops on ABC Local Radio asking people what they thought of Docklands. The general opinion was that Docklands is soulless, antiseptic, contrived and lacking atmosphere. Well, now I had to visit!

On the way in we were treated to a chap who apparently writes software shouting on his phone (protip: You do not need to shout while using a mobile phone. The phone carries your voice, you see. You don’t have to increase the volume to reach the person in the next state you’re talking to).  Apparently someone called Russ was picking holes in his work, which is complete bullshit because the whole meshing thing isn’t even relevant and the client database access points have a delay time of milliseconds, so meshing just isn’t needed. No meshing! You’ll be pleased to know he used the phrase “touch base” with every phone call he made, which was about 40 calls. Give or take.

Anyway, we alighted at Spencer Street Station (oh SO sorry, “Southern Cross”) and began the “few minute stroll” which the website had indicated was required. Google maps has that at about 2.5 km, so the website can go stuff itself.  The first place we stumbled upon was the food court stuck on the side of Etihad Stadium, which looks like it was made for a movie no one will go and see. Things you should know: You are not allowed to do anything around the stadium.

This is just two examples of signage warning you that you’re not allowed to do anything. The bin one really baffled me because every single other bin in the city has those little tabs for putting out your cigarette. This one does too, but with a no smoking sign to say “No, your cigarette cannot be put out on this bin”. So we put out our smokes on the bin and wandered on to Watervillagefronttown.

To get there, we had to pass AFL House which is the head office or something of the Australian Football League. Being as I am about as interested in football as I am in slicing my own feet off with a carving knife, I wasn’t overly thrilled, but I did think the recent burial theme they chose for their gardens was quite nice.

Mmmm, plastic grass! Tell me that doesn’t look like a cemetery and I’ll … well I’ll disagree with you. Take that!

That is the view looking down from the stadium walkway, and it looks and feels like one of those artists impressions they put in realestate adverts when selling off unbuilt apartments. It’s very clean. Very much designed and straight lines.

One bonus in the wander was seeing the cow in the tree. I love this thing so much I want to steal it and bring it home to live with me.

Newquay, which sits on the side of the water, is entirely comprised of restaurants and cafes so we kept moving through there and on to the Waterfront place. Village. Town. This is when things began to really feel eerie.

I don’t know what spooked me out about this shopping area. I suspect it was partly the complete lack of people and partly the very very contrived “We built a marketplace!” feeling, but blech, it’s just so uncomfortable.

This is all that currently exists of the big wheel thing. They are planning to rebuild it, but it’s taking a while. I expect they need to look at different materials that can withstand the 40 degree days Melbourne gets. Also I think it’ll take a long time for people to forget that the original fell apart.

After wandering for a bit we found the shop I wanted and I was able to stock up on postcards. I wish I had gone in to Typo to buy something with “Kate <3 Willie” on it because the double entendre just made me fall about with giggles. Yes, I am 12.  A cup of coffee and a sit down later, we headed back to the station, leaving the soulless docklands behind us. It was a relief. I can’t argue that the area isn’t nice, because it is. Very nice. Too nice. It’s exactly what the voxpops said: antiseptic and lacking atmosphere. There’s nothing unique or interesting about it like there is wandering the normal city streets. Everything is in perfect placement, nothing has evolved on its own. Sadly, Docklands has been designed to death and just doesn’t have a community appeal at all. You can tell every aspect has been thought about until it bleeds before being placed. I did like the Legends of Australian Entertainment statues, particularly the Graham Kennedy one. I didn’t like that the park they sit in is covered in synthetic grass. Although that’s really a great word to describe Docklands and the Waterfront Placeofshops: Synthetic.

On the way back to the station I spotted some abseiling window cleaners. They have nothing to do with the content of this post, I just really like this shot.

No one was touching base or meshing on the train home, so the only entertainment was a lass of about 17 who was under the mistaken impression that tights are pants.

Please do excuse me, I am off to soak my feet. A few minutes walk my arse…